Ever wondered what a Prime Minister gets up to in a day? Well fortunately Leaky Sue left Rishi’s diary right next to the photocopier! Warning- it’s no way near as exciting as Matt Hancock’s Whatsapps.

06:00 I wake up. The sky is blue and the birds are singing. It’s a great day to fix the smouldering ruins of Britain!

06:02 I kiss my poster of Margaret Thatcher.

06:03 I kiss my wife.

06:15 Time to change and leave for a run.

06:35 As I run along the Mall, my shorts ride up my bum. I start having traumatic flashbacks to being given wedgies at school for wearing my ‘prefect’ badge on home clothes day.

07:15 I return home, shower and get dressed. I put on my Mini Boden suit that my wife bought me. She says it’s very convenient that I still fit into children’s clothes as they have no VAT. She’s very clever when it comes to tax.

08:00 I skim read the papers and treat myself to a few rounds of online homework on MyMaths.com.

08:30 I make my myself and my wife coffee in our £180 smart mugs. She thanks me and calls me her ‘short king’, a funny inside joke we have about the fact we are substantially wealthier than the monarchy.

09:00 Time for my first expedition of the day. A car takes me to Regent’s Park so I can practice shooting at children using pedalos on the lake with my Nerf gun. There’s nothing I hate more than small boats.

09:30 In the park, I see a woman making snow angels out of leaves and singing ‘Shake It Off’. It’s good to see Liz Truss out and about again.

10:30 I get back in the car and head to meet Emmanuel Macron at the French Embassy, Prêt A Manger.

11:00 I arrive at Prêt and get out of the car to greet Macron. I fire a warning shot with my Nerf gun so he knows who he’s dealing with. He retaliates with a Chinese burn.

11:30 Over a chocolate croissant, Macron informs me that he is very concerned about ‘Les Petits Bateau’. I inform him that while I like upmarket children’s brand Petit Bateau for basics, my suit is in fact from Mini Boden.

13:30 2 hours and 6 chocolate croissants later, no solution has been reached. Have scheduled another meeting for next week.

13:45 I grab a chicken caesar baguette and get back in the car. It’s time to meet some nurses to talk about strikes.

14:15 I meet with the Royal College of Nursing general secretary. She informs me of the plight of nurses and the crumbling state of the NHS. I ask if she has tried putting a wet paper towel on it.

15:30 Eventually we reach a deal that persuades the nurses to postpone striking.

15:45 Before leaving, I remember to put on my glasses with a fake moustache and prosthetic nose- a handy disguise so Mick Lynch won’t know I’ve been talking to other trade unions. I get back in the car.

16:00 Balls!!! I get a call to say Lynch has had a tip off and seen through my disguise. My staffers schedule a meeting with the RMT for tomorrow.

16:30 Return to Downing Street.

17:00 Call from Volodymyr Zelensky asking if I will uphold his request for jets. I try to appease him by offering 50 Nerf guns and half price Nando’s. He is not impressed.

18:00 I get a Snapchat from Ursula von der Leyen. We’ve been avoiding Whatsapp ever since Matt Hancock handed his phone over to Isabel Oakeshott. Ursula thanks me for being so cooperative over the Windsor Framework. I tell her she’s a von der Legend and promise to endorse her on Linkedin.

18:30 I see Gary Lineker’s been slagging me off on Twitter. I text Gavin Williamson and ask him to start a hazing campaign.

19:00 Time for some dinner, carbonara and lemon meringue pie washed down with the tears of the poor- exquisite!

20:00 I go upstairs to change into my Spiderman pajamas and hear a moaning sound from behind the wardrobe. It’s Boris again. I call security, who carry him out as he screams ‘Get out of my house!!!!!’

20:30 I watch a few episodes of Taskmaster in the living room and try to ignore Larry the cat scratching at my window- or is it Boris? I keep the window shut just in case. Larry has had more foster parents than Tracy Beaker, I think he can cope with a night outside.

22:00 I head upstairs to my bedroom and kiss my Margaret Thatcher poster goodnight.

22:15 Time for some quick MyMaths before bed.

22:30 My wife brings me my night time Horlicks and tucks me in. I kiss her goodnight.

22:31 I realise it isn’t my wife but Boris in a White Company nightdress and a wig. I call security and make a note to invest in a taser. He is escorted out again.

22:35 My real wife returns. I kiss her goodnight. I know it’s really her because she smells of Jo Malone and crisp £50 notes. I tell her the commotion was Larry, she doesn’t need to know.

23:00 I feel my eyes start to droop and am consumed by sleep. What a great day fixing the smouldering ruins of Britain!