Greetings fellow parishioners,

I hope you had a restorative festive season spent with family and friends. I know the two often don’t go together.

I wish to begin my Editor’s Letter in the January edition of the Rambleton Chronicle by congratulating the church choir on raising £5.56 for the Retired Jockeys Foundation. Everyone clearly loved your beautiful carol singing.

I also have to thank Reverend Bootle for coordinating our magnificent Living Advent Calendar. He did a sterling job finding 24 people, in a village full of pensioners, who were not only still alive, but willing to participate. Splendid work Reverend!

As you know, we usually publish the parish Chronicle on the first Saturday of every month. However, in these unprecedented circumstances, I feel I am constitutionally obligated to go to press 3 days early.

In light of all the false information swirling about the intranet, I have decided that it is up to me, Petunia Banks, Editor of the Rambleton Chronicle, Deputy President of the Greater Rambleton Women’s Institute and Britain’s Premier Royal Correspondent, to use my Editor’s Letter to shed some light on the developing situation at Buckingham Palace.

Not only do I have an O Level in Spanish, I also have a Level 2 Certificate in Food Hygiene.

As you all know, I once presented Princess Anne with a jar of my gooseberry preserve when she opened Rambleton Church Hall. Ever since, I have considered her a close personal friend.

Drawing on these qualifications, I believe it is my duty to provide impartial and illuminating insights into our, frankly, magnificent monarchy.

It is clear to me that we are in a state of crisis.

We are of course, talking about the astounding leaked contents of Prince Harry’s memoir, ‘Spare’.

Like everyone in the parish and indeed, the nation, I was shocked at the book’s explosive contents. When I read about the young prince’s experimentation with cocaine, I turned off my audiobook of ‘The Da Vinci Code’ and spat out my buttered crumpet.

In particular, I found the account of his first sexual encounter with a woman in a field most disturbing. Largely because I had assumed that the book (titled ‘Spare’) was going to be an homage to Harry’s love of ten pin bowling. My bosom companion the Princess Royal assured me this was one of the young prince’s favourite pastimes.

I was greatly saddened to hear that Diana’s boys have been fighting and even sadder to hear that Harry refers to his brother as ‘Willy’. If they were my children, by this point I would have locked them in the pantry until they reached some form of agreement!

I hope that at some point they might make their peace and pray that they had the common sense to use a dustpan and brush to clean up that broken dog bowl, not a hoover. I can’t blame them, sometimes you forget that they’re just two young boys of 40 and 38.

As royal correspondent I must remain neutral, but my hairdresser will tell you that I have always had a soft spot for Prince Harry, ever since he was a little tyke running around pulling faces at cameramen and dressing up as a nazi. What can I say? Boys will be boys!!

I have tried my very best to warm to Meghan but it is my opinion that she is rather cold and aloof. I simply can’t abide anyone who wears yoga leggings and mispronounces the word ‘scone’. My husband, however, greatly enjoyed her performance in the television programme ‘Suites’.

Once, I wrote to her inviting her to audition for the Greater Rambleton Players’ production of ‘the Sound of Music’. She never replied, which I thought demonstated terribly bad manners.

I did however hear back from Prince Andrew, who seemed very keen to get involved. Sadly, I had to inform him that we already had several old men with failed DBS checks in the singing chorus of Austrian aristocrats.

It was Meghan that I really wanted. I was rather hoping she might have persuaded Harry to lend us his Nazi costume as we desperately needed a jacket for Rolf in Act 2.

Still, I do feel sorry for Meghan. She has had a rather difficult time, albeit not as difficult as Harry. It must be terrible being ginger. Internet trolls and tabloids can be rather nasty. In this age of social media and misinformation all I can say is thank God for reliable sources like Mumsnet!

Now the question I am sure you have all been waiting for me to answer….A lot of you have written in asking what shade of lipstick I wore to the charity barn dance. It is from Number 7. I believe the shade is ‘Spiced Quince’.

As for the future of the monarchy? Some journalists have said that this might spell the end for the Firm. I sincerely hope this isn’t the case. As a neutral Royal Correspondent, I would be devastated to see them go. I get especially upset at the thought of having to inform Stephen Mulhern that we no longer need him to judge the floats at the Coronation Fête in June….

I hear Prince Edward is scheduled to visit a pack of Brownies and Scouts in Little Sniverton in February. Rest assured, dear parishioners, that I will make it my mission to attend and ask him for comment.

Wishing you a happy and prosperous new year to everyone except the family who submitted planning permission for an extension overlooking my garden*

Best wishes,

Petunia Banks 

Editor of the Rambleton Chronicle, Deputy President of the Greater Rambleton Women’s Institute and Britain’s Premier Royal Correspondent

*You brought a banana to a knife fight Beryl, see you at the Parish Council Meeting.